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oldfashionedloverboystoni was looking thru my google drive and found something i'd written a few years ago. reading it, i remember exactly who each part is about, and exactly what happened with them. and i've realised i haven't moved forward nearly as much as i thought.
She taught me never to throw my paint down the sink
She taught me how to hold hands inside sleeves so our hands could keep each other warm
She taught me to drink my water tepid, not to run the tap. That way’s better for your body and the environment.
She taught me how deep that sharp tongue could cut
She taught me that though i seem soft, i am tough, i am pain
She taught me that my intentions never mattered, only her feelings because she’d been here before and she wasn’t going to let me tear her.
She taught me to cry so hard i threw up in the shower
She taught me to dig too deep to bleed
She taught me how she could build walls, and that she wasn’t afraid to pour burning oil straight into the cavern of my chest.
He taught me how to accept compliments
He taught me that i could be attractive, i could be sexy
He taught me to light the fire behind my eyes, to let myself go. That being wild was good and to free my mind.
He taught me what it felt like to be scalded by someone’s touch
He taught me that though i am so. full. of Everything, i am hollow.
He taught me that my boundaries were breakable, and that i can be owned, commanded, policed in a way i’d always resisted.
He taught me to stick like glue to my friends on a night out
He taught me that nothing could fill the gaping void he left in my body
He taught me that no matter the hours i spent in a shower each day, scrubbing. myself raw, i would never be clean.
You taught me how to have friends
You taught me to walk into rooms full of strangers and talk. to somebody.
You taught me that people can bear to have me around for more than a week, 6 months, 3 years.
You taught me that i am not as quiet as i seem
You taught me that i am larger than life and my presence can fill a room
You taught me how to turn down the volume, dim the brightness, just let things be chill and mellow out for a while.
You taught me to tape bits of myself together
You taught me to wrap myself up so tight, so nothing could escape, even just for a while
You taught me i needed to be contained, my bark and bite are just as bad and loud and brash as each other and maybe i need to be sedated.
So. i taught myself.
I taught myself to point my sword inwards
I taught myself to be good. good. good. for them, nevermind if it was good for me
I taught myself to contain everything to the 4 walls of the bathroom, i can do violence in there no one will see. i can build walls too.
I taught myself to be curvy and how to move
I taught myself that attention, even sloppy drunk, regrettable attention, was what i needed
I taught myself to wear your mark without shame, to use the damage to get what i want, and to fill my stomach with disgust so at least there was something there.
I taught myself how to fix up any gaps in the cage
I taught myself to be small, how to fit into a room, a crowd, a heart
I taught myself to survive, by any means necessary, by making myself more what you wanted, by burying myself, and only shining in blinding, supernova bursts.
I taught myself how to stay alive.
She taught me never to throw my paint down the sink
She taught me how to hold hands inside sleeves so our hands could keep each other warm
She taught me to drink my water tepid, not to run the tap. That way’s better for your body and the environment.
She taught me how deep that sharp tongue could cut
She taught me that though i seem soft, i am tough, i am pain
She taught me that my intentions never mattered, only her feelings because she’d been here before and she wasn’t going to let me tear her.
She taught me to cry so hard i threw up in the shower
She taught me to dig too deep to bleed
She taught me how she could build walls, and that she wasn’t afraid to pour burning oil straight into the cavern of my chest.
He taught me how to accept compliments
He taught me that i could be attractive, i could be sexy
He taught me to light the fire behind my eyes, to let myself go. That being wild was good and to free my mind.
He taught me what it felt like to be scalded by someone’s touch
He taught me that though i am so. full. of Everything, i am hollow.
He taught me that my boundaries were breakable, and that i can be owned, commanded, policed in a way i’d always resisted.
He taught me to stick like glue to my friends on a night out
He taught me that nothing could fill the gaping void he left in my body
He taught me that no matter the hours i spent in a shower each day, scrubbing. myself raw, i would never be clean.
You taught me how to have friends
You taught me to walk into rooms full of strangers and talk. to somebody.
You taught me that people can bear to have me around for more than a week, 6 months, 3 years.
You taught me that i am not as quiet as i seem
You taught me that i am larger than life and my presence can fill a room
You taught me how to turn down the volume, dim the brightness, just let things be chill and mellow out for a while.
You taught me to tape bits of myself together
You taught me to wrap myself up so tight, so nothing could escape, even just for a while
You taught me i needed to be contained, my bark and bite are just as bad and loud and brash as each other and maybe i need to be sedated.
So. i taught myself.
I taught myself to point my sword inwards
I taught myself to be good. good. good. for them, nevermind if it was good for me
I taught myself to contain everything to the 4 walls of the bathroom, i can do violence in there no one will see. i can build walls too.
I taught myself to be curvy and how to move
I taught myself that attention, even sloppy drunk, regrettable attention, was what i needed
I taught myself to wear your mark without shame, to use the damage to get what i want, and to fill my stomach with disgust so at least there was something there.
I taught myself how to fix up any gaps in the cage
I taught myself to be small, how to fit into a room, a crowd, a heart
I taught myself to survive, by any means necessary, by making myself more what you wanted, by burying myself, and only shining in blinding, supernova bursts.
I taught myself how to stay alive.
